Embracing the Process

I’ve never been the type to share my feelings with people. I’ve always been a listener more than a talker for most of my life. One of the things I’ve come to realize is that we all go through things in our lives, and if we just talk about it, it can help other people.  So, what does the Lord do? Tells me to start a blog! Sheesh.

So here we go…

Has life gone the way you thought it would when you were younger? Did you plan your life out like I did? Graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, get a good job, get married, start a family, raise good, godly children, live happily ever after? I think we all have some form of a plan whether it includes all of those things or not. For me, my desire to become a mom was at the top of my priority list.

When A.J. and I first got married six years ago, we didn’t want children right away. We decided to wait a few years and have some time just to ourselves. Well, that time has become a lot longer than I had expected.

In short, we’ve been trying to have children for over three years now and have lost two to miscarriage. I’ve NEVER wanted to talk about it. I mean, NEVER. Don’t you just love God?! Being asked to do something that you don’t want to do is not easy for an introvert like myself. But, I can sit here today and write this with a brand new perspective of who my God is and what I’m capable of through Him. I have learned more about Him in the past few years than I think I would ever have if I was not going through a hard time. I spent so many months wondering why. Am I not good enough? Am I not a strong enough Christian? Why do people that abort their children get pregnant and I can’t? Why do people that “aren’t really trying” get pregnant with ease? I used to be so angry. Angry that my plans and my expectations of life were not met. Broken every time I got on Facebook and saw another pregnancy announcement. I mean, I’m supposed to have at least two kids by now, God! I really think He laughed at me every time I tried to tell Him how to do His job.

Maybe you’re in a different place in life. Maybe you’re looking for a spouse and have been wondering all the same questions of why. Why didn’t I find my spouse early in life like other people? Why didn’t it work out with so-and-so when I really loved them? Maybe you’re believing for a miracle or a breakthrough. Why is it easy for other people and not for me?

It’s all about the process.

Sometimes God brings us through the worst times – times I refer to as the “wilderness” – because our assignment is attached to it. It’s not about asking “why.” He needs to burn off things in us that are not of Him. He needs us to seek Him. He needs to train us. There are things in us that can’t be around if we are to fully walk in the calling He has for us. Have you ever sung a song about “the fire” and asked the Lord to “burn in you?” Be careful what you pray! Your specific situation may not be what other people are going through, but one thing is certain: God will bring you through a time where He will test your faith. And you have to embrace it.

So how do we embrace the process? Rest. Remain in the Word. Ask the Lord to show you what it is that He wants you to learn from this. Rest is a weapon, and the enemy is scared of it. He will stop at nothing to get you to be fearful and anxious. It’s all about your perspective of a situation. Try looking through a different lens. Are you going to want to grow from this or coward down and feel sorry for yourself? I’ve heard it put this way: you can’t see the hidden things of God unless you’ve experienced Him hiding from you.

Living in the “what ifs” and “why me’s” will only linger your wilderness. We have to change our way of thinking. Maybe God chose you to go through this because He sees how capable you are. Maybe this was the only way to get your attention. Maybe you are the only person He wants to use in a particular situation. Maybe He wants to use what you learn to help bring healing to someone else. It’s not just about you – it’s about the kingdom.

Now, I’m not saying I have everything together because I don’t. Do I still have bad days? Of course. If you’ve ever gone through any kind of grief you know it hits you whenever it wants. It can be noon on a Tuesday while you’re at Target. It doesn’t matter. I do know that I am stronger now than I was before.

Part of my calling and the reason I’m having to go through this particular wilderness is to go into the ministry. I don’t know exactly what that looks like at the moment, but I do know that I’m supposed to write a book with everything that the Lord has shown me over the years. You may think that it will be about going through fertility issues, and it is, but there is so much more. As time goes on, I will share with you more and more of the assignment I am called to tell the church.

I don’t know why I’m called to start this blog. I don’t know if anybody is reading it. I just have to be obedient. If there’s one person that takes something from what I have to say, then that’s enough for me!

We serve a mighty God, and there’s NOTHING impossible with Him.